Berge Jololian

The Great Doom Festival: Where Pashinyan Faces Criticism for Everything, Even Global Warming

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By Berge Jololian

Special to the Mirror-Spectator

They say “never blame the weatherman for the weather.”  Well, let’s just ignore that wisdom and place all the blame for everything – from global warming to slow Wi-Fi – squarely on Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan!  How dare he attempt to strengthen Armenia through new diplomatic, military, and economic strategies? Doesn’t he realize that Armchair Experts in the Armenian American Diaspora can’t sleep at night unless they’ve pinned every cosmic catastrophe on him?

The Great Charter Disappointment

Word on the street (or at least in the swirling circles of diaspora rumor) was that the recent U.S.-Armenia Strategic Dialogue signing would usher in a glorious era of U.S. paratroopers landing gently on Armenian soil – instantly. Imagine my shock when I strolled through Yerevan’s Republic Square, searching in vain for swarms of American soldiers patrolling the perimeter like a scene from an action movie. Even the border area was suspiciously devoid of any G.I. Joes waiting to repel the next Azerbaijani incursion. How absolutely dare Pashinyan sign something that requires actual follow-up and policy coordination, instead of spontaneously producing a magical battalion of foreign defenders?

Turkey Quaking in Its Boots? Not So Fast

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One might think that, after Armenia’s U.S. partnership announcement, Washington would issue a thunderous warning to President Erdogan – perhaps via a megaphone from the White House lawn – demanding, “Stop meddling in Armenia or else…!” But no. Strangely enough, states typically conduct diplomacy in more nuanced ways. Surreal, right? If the diaspora’s worst critics had their way, we’d have F-16s flying overhead, dropping leaflets that say, “Touch Armenia and face instant justice!”. Instead, we got… incremental steps toward cooperation. Yawn! Where’s the Hollywood spectacle?

Supermarkets Not Overflowing with Doritos

The “Pashinyan is incompetent” narrative also contends that if Armenia were a real success story, we’d immediately see all manner of American goods flooding store shelves: Twinkies, root beer, cheddar cheese, and maybe a random Kardashian cameo or two. Yet, on my quest to discover these fabled wonders of capitalist bliss, I was met with standard local produce. Imagine that: a new strategic charter might take time to translate into expanded trade. How absolutely unspeakably incompetent that the diaspora can’t find new snack varieties in Yerevan after a single agreement signing.

The Real Foe: Not Dictators, But That Guy in Yerevan

If you read certain diaspora commentaries, you might think that the gravest threat facing Armenia isn’t the Aliyev-Erdogan-Putin-Lukashenko quartet, each with a robust track record of aggression, authoritarian rule, and historical revisionism. No, no — the real villain must be the prime minister who’s trying to expand Armenia’s foreign relations, buy arms from India, and open the economy to new partnerships. In this worldview, all woes are pinned on Yerevan’s administration. Azerbaijan’s ongoing land grabs? A trifling detail! Turkey’s massive defense budget? Meh. Russia’s unpredictability and opportunism? Let’s not get too complicated. Much easier to just keep yelling, “Pashinyan is a sheep. Grrrr!”

Supporting… or Sabotaging?

Perhaps the sweetest irony is the diaspora’s lament about Armenia’s disunity while fervently broadcasting negativity that only fosters deeper mistrust and fragmentation. We’ve seen some diaspora folks appear to regurgitate lines suspiciously resembling Russian disinformation, labeling any shift away from Moscow as “treachery.” Because obviously, siding with the same Kremlin that did nothing to help in 2020 is better than forging new alliances, right? Turkey and Azerbaijan must be cackling with glee at the spectacle: “Why pay trolls to undermine Armenian unity when certain diaspora figures do it for free?”

The Jaded Nostalgia

Some diaspora elements long for the “good old days” (which ironically never actually existed), where any show of bravado from Yerevan would miraculously keep the wolves at bay. In truth, unyielding rhetoric without matching deterrence is a surefire recipe for calamity. But hey, let’s not let reality stand in the way of a good rant.

A Humorous Plea for Sanity

Dear diaspora pessimist: Before you next declare Pashinyan responsible for climate change, your cat’s weird mood swings, or the line at Costco, consider that building diplomatic, military and economic deterrence takes time. Partnerships with the U.S., France, or India don’t magically teleport cavalry to Armenia’s borders overnight. If we actually want Armenia to survive, we might channel our energies toward supporting — rather than sabotaging — Yerevan’s attempts to navigate an impossible neighborhood.

Azerbaijan and Turkey do not need to sow disinformation or sabotage diaspora unity if the diaspora does it to itself. All Aliyev has to do is sit back, munch on some caviar, and watch as negativity and Russian-fed gloom erode diaspora cohesion. So how about a break from the “doom-laden blame-Pashinyan-for-everything” narrative? At this rate, next we’ll accuse him of causing the next solar eclipse, and let’s not even start on who’s behind those UFO sightings…

Final Thoughts

Sarcasm aside, Armenia stands at a crossroads: forging new strategic ties, reforming the military and diversifying its economy are all monumental tasks that require national cohesion and diaspora partnership. If we spend our days gloomily insisting that Pashinyan is a naïve lamb awaiting slaughter — while ignoring actual wolves in Moscow, Ankara and Baku — we sabotage Armenia’s future more effectively than any adversary could. A robust, supportive diaspora can be Armenia’s greatest asset. Let’s not become unwitting foot soldiers in the propaganda war seeking to bury the Armenian dream of progress.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to check the border one more time for those stealth U.S. paratroopers that just haven’t shown up… yet.

(Berge Jololian resides in Yerevan, Armenia, and is a specialist in security and cybersecurity with a Master’s degree in Information Technology. He has a keen interest in the geopolitics and internal dynamics of the southern Caucasus and the broader region.)

 

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