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REVIEW

The Apprentice review — a format badly in need of a refresh

The business reality show returns unchanged, with the ghastly contestants and constipated gags all part of its masochistically escapist appeal
Promotional image for The Apprentice S19, featuring Lord Alan Sugar, Baroness Karren Brady, and Tim Campbell MBE against a London skyline.
Alan Sugar, centre, with Karren Brady and Tim Campbell, who have returned to the Apprentice boardroom
BBC

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The Apprentice (BBC1) is 20 years old, which you would think would be ample time for Lord Sugar’s scriptwriters to come up with a decent gag. But no. The puns, as usual, died painfully on their backsides. When the usual collection of ghastly contestants returned from being generally useless in Austria, the joke writers clearly saw a wordplay opportunity. In the boardroom showdown, Sugar said to one would-be apprentice: “You wanted her to keep her von Trapp shut.” Cue a few forced chuckles and much tumbleweed. A bit later, undeterred, when one team had failed to make any money he invoked the song Do-Re-Mi. “The problem is there’s no dough for me,” he said. Big shoehorn over here, please!

However, these strained, almost constipated jokes are now part of this show’s familiar furniture and add to its masochistically escapist appeal. Am I alone in slightly enjoying being wound up by the contestants’ narcissistic awfulness, even though I imagine they have been told to ramp it up for the cameras and are probably much nicer in real life?

Don’t get me wrong: the format badly needs a refresh, which is something I say every year, but they never do it and yet somehow it still holds its own in the ratings. So what do I know? I suppose its secret is that it never fails to show us the gap between how good some people think they are and the amusing reality. “I can sell anything,” boasted one young man, who then went on to make zero sales. Hilarious.

Actually, they did tweak things fractionally. When the teams were given their first task Sugar said, “Forget boys versus girls” (surely “men versus women”? Is this school?) and made the teams mixed from the off. But it was hardly a revolutionary shake-up as they always end up being mixed anyway. And why is it the women who always have to provide the palette aesthetic by wearing trouser suits and dresses in different primary colours, while the men get to wear suits in the usual sober grey and navy blue? Make them wear bright pink and yellow for a change.

What I learnt … about winning The Apprentice

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I did think it was a bit unfair on the “Forest” team because cycling through a wooded area, yodelling and making a bit of bread is hardly going to sell as many tickets as a trip to a glacier. But, nope, sorry, I can’t feel sympathy for any of these characters, not when they come out with terrible boasts such as: “The level of competitiveness I have is disgusting. I am the human equivalent of a tank.” And, “I am a lion in the business world — fierce, hungry and ready to devour my prey.” Needless to say, neither of these people shone very much. Also one woman wore a furry hat indoors, which is unforgivable.

“What others can earn in a month takes me one hour,” said one young man. Begging the question — what the hell are you doing on this show then, mate? Only one person, Jonny, said something slightly different: “I’m here to prove the nice guy can win.” We’ll see.

In the end you couldn’t argue with who Sugar fired. But so woeful was the “Forest” team’s performance I’m genuinely surprised he didn’t send home a trio.
★★★☆☆

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